Was my degree a fluke?

why did i ever stop playing?

I have a degree in music. I didn’t feel like I deserved it. I’ve played at least 6 programs a year in undergrad throughout all 4 years. I don’t really think I did. I look back on what I had done and I wonder if I really was able to do all of that. Maybe AI was for sure ahead of our time, and someone ripped a full copy of me and had me do all of that work - I don’t think that person in those saved livestreams, in those black garments, in those polyester gowns, was me. I feel a large sense of identity, the one I had shared in music, left me during my second year of college. I felt that I made did with what I had - I fostered connections with people far and wide, but I struggled to build community and maintain an online presence.

I feel that NicPlaysFlute was a slow descent of the loss of sparkle and investment I had in the flute. Once that account came to be, I was introduced to marketing and began investing in arts administration. I felt a great deal of mistrust and anger towards flute pedagogy. I slowly turned pessimistic towards the future of flute and began questioning what makes a “good” flute teacher. I had lesson anxiety that hindered me from progressing or even feeling motivated to practice. Not because I felt my ego was shattered, but because I did not ever see myself playing professionally if it meant that I had to withstand mistreatment in my schooling. In an effort to protect my self-worth, I worked tirelessly editing videos, sending emails, and delving deeper into work that felt safe: where my feedback was concrete, and where I felt the most respected. Arts administration became my defense mechanism to prove to myself that I could have a meaningful career. When I tried to get back into enjoying flute playing, I spiraled worse: I cared about being the perfect section mate. Always in tune, always following. I cared about being the flute player that knows what to do. I cared about being the flute player that knows who to refer to. All of these superficial, surface, yet supplemental information that I benchmarked piled up one after one, and slowly, flute playing wasn’t even an achievement worth bearing anymore. It was an insurmountable Sisyphus circle.

When I started my masters, I made a concrete decision for myself to believe that those who I ever felt doubted me are so far from my physical, that I needed to impart that onto my mental. Being vulnerable to that, having those difficult conversations and gaining reassurance that I was so desperate to hear all of those years, I finally feel safe again. Posting feels as natural as it did before I began school. Content creation began flowing nicely, and I later realized what I wanted to churn out there for a public audience has aged with me. I no longer feel like I am seeking after any analytics - things are happening organically again. In extension, working an office job has helped me learn how to manage my time and value the practice and play time I do have. Expressing gratitude for a safe environment to play and a safe workspace where I can simultaneously be a student and in the “real world” has not been something I thought would come so easily. I don’t think that I’ve really known struggle when it came to adjusting for my masters. Sure, the move was tough. Sure, it does get lonely without the people I hold dearest. But, the life I have made for myself here has proved to me I can do it without help. I am more independent than I think.

But there’s something missing.

Where does that independence go when it came to flute? Another big decision I made during my masters was that I would not be graduating with the same instrument that I have now. Trialing new instruments is exciting - you take all of that hard work you’ve built for yourself and discover which vehicle works the best for you. There is no one size fits all, and there’s no glass slipper. There is a lot of compromise, resolution and other give and take and push comes to shove when searching for something so personal and individualized. Offset G? Inline G? Gold? Silver? The paralysis of choice has plagued me. Working with a company that has carefully sent me instruments monthly, though some are very clearly not in my choices or consideration, it became clearer what I like or don’t like for myself. I had all of these things ready, and I’ve had flutes I loved, and flutes I really could not stand. All of these thoughts have presented themselves already, but what about the thoughts that come when you pick the flute up to your face? These anxieties turn their head - do you sound airy? How is your intonation? Can you play softly? Loud? Woof.

Perhaps I just want instant results. Perhaps I no longer want to feel familiar anymore. But I feel that my content and my identity have taken a turn for the better.

I feel my spark coming back,