chat is this healing?

One severe panic attack led me to instant growth.

There is something to be said about the amount that I have progressed this summer. Within the short term goals, I have embedded hidden long term goals that I had in myself as well.

I do not believe that anyone has gone through at least one degree program without something that fundamentally changed who they are, for better AND for worse. I share those fears of being jaded and doubtful of making a meaningful career.

I jokingly titled my recent Instagram dump “exposure therapy June”. This past month I played principal flute for Strauss’s Die Fledermaus. The shows were successful, but there has been one thing that I could not get out of my head:

I was terrified playing principal flute. I also was terrified playing in operas. All of that stemmed from music school, and internal pressure within myself.

I was in a music festival. I was working with a conductor who did not know a single thing about me. Despite all of this, I had the panic attack of all panic attacks on the first rehearsal of this opera. (Don’t worry, I go to therapy.)

I’ve had GAD since my teens. I’ve had panic attacks before, but this one was unlike any other one before. It was almost comical. My face was stark white, I was trembling through every rest, and I even began to hear all of those angry, hurtful comments that have been said to me from the podium. I began crunching, and crunching, and crunching. My preparation began to turn into sightreading. Immediately up there with my worst performance anxiety moments. Nobody was berating me, nobody had told me I was doing a bad job, and no one was scolding me. I simply had a wave of anxiety rush over me.

I’ve unfortunately been the type to try to analyze how others feel. A shift in energy or a small little look can throw me off. Also being in a position that implied utmost responsibility and control had also put pressure onto me. Around me I felt judged. I was terrified all around and it seemed as the rehearsal went on, I felt worse and worse and worse. Every time the conductor had cut off the orchestra to give quick notes, I braced for impact. I missed entrances. I did not sound how I wanted. And this began to repeat itself over and over until it didn’t.

I then realized that much of the fear that stems from performing, and performing principal is pressure I built within myself from “societal” implications and assumptions about myself that eventually became unforgiving. I knew I had worked to the fullest of my abilities, and I can discern when it is a one time mistake versus an inconsistency. While we all wish to be consistent players, or to make our consistencies more positive, it seems that the perfection we are chasing has done more harm to ourselves than good.

I want to progress and I want to be “better”. Defining those traits and embracing what I can and cannot fix about myself have helped me stride better in how I want to approach my playing. I’m developing the bravery to pursue opportunities I once sold myself short of.

I think this will be good for me.